~~Feeling Sorry~~

[Kennedy 'Rain' Collins]

I needed out. I just wanted to be alone. Not like I hadn’t been these past few weeks anyway. I had no friends. It was probably my fault because I was not anywhere near social at all. I mean heck, everyone thought I was mute anyway. I hated my life. I really did. The only thing good was my horse, Karmakazi. He was my life. I could tell him anything. He didn’t judge me. And I knew he loved me back. That’s why I decided to go for a ride. To just get out. Get out and get away. I could be alone and free. So I had brushed him and got on his bridle and rode off bareback. Into the trails. To get lost for hours. I knew he didn’t mind at all. I wore some dark blue skinny jeans and a white tank. My hair was up in a loose ponytail but of course it was coming out in some spots. I didn’t mind though. I wasn’t here to impress anyone. There wasn’t anyone here to impress anyway.

I knew that no one liked me. I was this shy girl that barely talked at all. No guy would like a girl like me. I knew it. I felt it. As me and Karma rode I kept thinking about my life. I knew really my life really wasn’t that bad but still it sucked. I hated it. I hated all of it. But what was I suppose to do? I didn’t know how to change it. I still remembered the last time I tried talking to a boy. I was shut down. Rudely as well. Even just talking to girls. Well I wouldn’t call it talking but anyway, I really just wanted friends that understood me. That knew that it took more to get me to open up to them. I just wanted a true friend that I could tell anything to. Like Karma. But a person. Tears began flowing down my cheeks. They were hot and burned. This was embarrassing but I couldn’t help it. They just wouldn’t stop. My vision became blurry and I could no longer see where we were going. I pulled Karma to a halt and slid off his back.

I found a place to sit and I fell to the ground. I began sobbing. I was alone. I always would be. But why was I doing this? Why was I crying? Why was I feeling so sorry for myself? This was so dumb. But I had held in all this emotion for so long that it was all just coming out. And wasn’t stopping. Karma could tell something was wrong and came over to me and brought his large head down to mine. I could feel his warm breath on my neck. He was the male in my life. But didn’t mind at all. I threw my arms up around his thick neck. I love you Karma. He nickered. I let go and brought my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs and laid my head down on my arms. Why was this happening. Why I whispered.

status - finished.
tagged - open.
listening too - watching a movie
words - 553.
outfit - click.

[` carter alyssa westwood]

I've started this.

[` isabella leila upshaw]

isabella ,

climb the fence, books and pens
i can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Today was a milestone for me. I tried not to realize, focusing more on the late spring air and fog hanging low on the ground. To recognize this new accomplishment I was about to make would only make it that much harder to face without tears. I had visited Immy several times after the incident as I'd chosen to call it since I met Darren Braxton, but this would be the first day I was riding again. I'd hired an excersise worker to ride her daily from my own pocketbook to avoid the painful experience. It should have been a healing process, to get back in the saddle again, but I'd shared so many happy memories with him there back when we were still alive. Our first date, he'd insisted I take him riding for the first time, and had carefully gripped my shoulders as we rode bareback at a slow walk around the pasture. Immy had never really liked Gerard, she'd probably thought he'd smelled funny with all the cologne he wore, but I only remembered how much I enjoyed finding someone who at least attempted to understand the things I loved. It wasn't so much that he liked the riding too, but he'd tried his hardest to enjoy it with me.

The barn still smelled, the same, blocking out any remaining memories of Gerard's Axe cologne and the way Immy had turned her muzzle up at it. I walked to the familiar stall, ran a body brush over the mare's sleek coat, and picked her hooves. She seemed happy to see me, foreleg pawing in anticipation of the coming ride. I left the stall, closing the door with a click and walked down the aisle to the tack room. The saddle was a little cracked and needed a good polish, but it hadn't taken much damage through all the neglect. Grabbing the nummnah and hooking the saddle and bridle over my arm, I walked back to Immy's stall. The barn was silent, a miniature ghost town, empty and devoid. Sun filtered through the windows, shining a light on the dust particles floating through the air, tiny universes seperate from all this pain and trouble Earth had been through. People like me, who'd been through so much, but made the choice to hold their heads high and move on.

The cinching of the girth was the final card in the deck. I led Immy out of the dusty, dirty barn, and into the foggy humid spring morning. Staring at the cloudy grey sky brought me back to the morning I'd found him dead in the basement. I'd almost expected him to be buried along with all the skeletons in his closet, but Gerard had never been that imaginative. My fingers fumbled with the silver stirrup, I was so anxious recalling the moment. I'd had a lesson scheduled that day, when riding had been such a big part of me, I couldn't go a week without it or I'd feel detatched, dead. Gerard had been the same way. How dead I'd felt after years.

In one swift motion that ended it all, I swooped up into the saddle and sat down. Immy shook her thick gray mane out and sighed, as if in relief. I sighed too, my calves clamping around the familiar figure of the mare. It was painful in a way, but necessary, as most pain was. Equestrian team tryouts were coming up soon and I had to be prepared. If I wasn't, there would be no getting back up in the saddle again.
I pressed my calves against the mare's sides and we were off through the pasture. I thought about heading toward the woods, which I knew were 'forbidden' by the administration, but lately, so many students had been going out there, it seemed almost an invitation to the brave at heart. I turned Immy to the east and headed toward the trails. If anyone could be courageous these days, it wasn't me.

Just a little way into the trail, I heard some familiar sounding sobs. I moved Immy toward the noise, sitting tall in the saddle. A raven-haired girl, skinny with a face that I instantly wished I had, sat crying against a tree. Her horse was standing near her, burying his face in the dark locks. Are you okay? I asked, bringing Immy to a stop near the horse, who hadn't seemed to notice our arrival. Normally, I wouldn't have done this, but the girl seemed so distraught and upset. I'd been there before. And I felt like I was finally getting the chance to put to use my experience with being sad and lonely. As if such a thing as that should ever turn into something good.

Word Count 794
All content c) Copyright Awry at Forever and Always.

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[Kennedy 'Rain' Collins]

So here I was. I was balling. What the hell was wrong with me? That was a question only I and God knew. But don’t worry I knew. Nothing was physically wrong with me. I knew that too. Yes, I was a girl and sometimes felt and said I was fat but I was always told I wasn’t. Yes, I was way short but I didn’t care about that. What was wrong with me was my mental side. No I am not mental or retarded or crazy either. I am merely not happy with myself constantly. I always wanted to make myself better. Yes I wanted people to like me. Yes I wanted to fit in. Every girl and guy wants that. But I am just too shy for my own good. I cannot over come it. I have embarrassed myself many times because I cannot speak right. Or at all in front of others. Family and animals and some friends are a different story. But why? Why did I have to be like this? People have told me I can change, its me that’s holding myself back. But they don’t understand. They are not me. They don’t know what I am feeling and going through. It like torture. And I was breaking.

My sobs were silent. I tried to be as quiet as I could. But I knew I couldn’t hold it back for long. I had held this in for too long and now it was just bubbling over the edge. I had to let it out. I was alone. I wouldn’t be seen. Or heard. My beloved Karma at my side protecting me and comforting me was all I needed. I knew he sensed something was wrong. He always could. Sometimes I thought he was my guardian angel sent from heaven to be with me. I know… crazy right? I wrapped my arms around the studs large head and hugged him. He was the only man I needed in my life. I didn’t need anyone else. It wasn’t like I had anyone else. I would always be alone. It just seemed like that was how it was ment to be.

But then I heard a sound. Not just any sound but hoof beats. I knew Karma heard them too as he gently pulled away and pricked his ears and stared in the direction. Blurred by my tears I could not see who was coming. I didn’t care. I was already ashamed for being here balled up crying already. But then my worst fears were met. The girl that had come spoke to me. Her voice familiar. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to wallow in my pain by myself. I nodded to the girl as I faught to stop the flow of tears. I tried to wipe them away non shalantly as well but that didn’t seem to work. What did she want? To make fun of me? Have at it… it was the perfect time. I had no strength to fight back.

status - finished.
tagged - open.
listening too - nothing
words - 532.
other - yeah kinda sucks but oh well hehe
outfit - click.

[` isabella leila upshaw]

isabella ,

climb the fence, books and pens
i can tell that we are gonna be friends.

The case seemed hopeless, I noticed, as I sat on Immy patiently. I didn't get an answer in the form of words, but more of a nod from the scrunched up figure, sobbing on the ground. For a moment I considered turning around and leaving, as she didn't seem to be enjoying my company, but that would be rude. I knew how easy it was to turn somebody away no matter how much you needed the attention. Even in misery, self-pride and perservation ranks above. And I wasn't about to take no for an answer. I'd always been the rebellious type.

Sliding out of the well-oiled English saddle, I caught a glimpse of my leg. I'd been riding lately and the long neglected thighs that had fallen into flabby skin and fat were regaining their muscle. I was tan again, and getting back into shape. My tack was clean, Immy was happy again, and we were doing better than ever with the whole riding thing. I felt like I was a shoe-in for the equestrian team, and the tryouts were basically over by now. Things were looking up. So why did I feel like I was back where I'd started from?

I was probably feeding off the girl in front of me. So many times I'd sat there in her position. Not in the same place, literally, but connected to this and the crying places of many others all across the universe by some transparent, yet palpable thread. This same sadness made us sisters, though we looked nothing alike. This connection I was feeling was called a shared experience, and although I enjoyed the closeness I was feeling with a complete stranger, I wanted nothing but to have it disappear. If she was miserable, and I was miserable, what did it matter? Having a partner to stand by you at the gallows meant nothing if you were both to meet the same fate.

And so, it was this indescribable pull to save a stranger and to in turn, save myself, was what pulled me to sit down and make that attempt. Tell the truth. I said. The words were so easily said, unassuming, that the force of them could almost be forgotten. Almost. But not quite.

All content c) Copyright Awry at Forever and Always.

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